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Group Hug

Thoughts on Connections Continues ...

 Again, me rambling a bit. Let’s see where this goes. We are all of us creatures of habit. This basically means that we behave in the way that we do because we have adopted certain ways of managing our existence according to certain things that lacked in our younger years (conditioning/learned patterns of being/behavior). It is amazing to think that we as humans can unconsciously (in some cases consciously) alter our true authentic nature (our personality/characteristics) to survive, and that we all in retrospect then are merely ‘surviving’ our way through life…


People hurt people, people hurt people without knowing or intending to hurt people and rarely is this ‘initial’ hurt their fault. No one ‘intentionally’ wants to cause another harm (*with exception, which is a whole different topic for a different trail of thought) – We all just want love and acceptance and to be validated and understood.


Yet - We hide behind our comforts and post pretty pictures of perfection for all to see … why? Why is it so very important that we NOT be truthful about our struggles - in which we all share (btw). Why is it that people draw TOWARD comfort and SHY AWAY from struggle (OH MY GOSH, FREUD WAS RIGHT ;)) Where does your heart lie …


Do you see the man standing next to the road asking for a 5 or a 10 rand to feed his children which you pass every single day – or do you deliberately avert your gaze because your way of going about life is brought into question when you are being confronted with the visual representation of genuine struggle? Who or what are you truly annoyed with then? The man standing next to the road, the concept that struggle is in fact a very real thing or the fact that you are NOT struggling?...


Why are you alive if not to see someone smile because of a hug given or a random message sent, or if you have the option or choice to make someone’s day a little bit easier, why would you choose NOT to do that? Now I understand that everyone is stitched together differently, but what is your purpose in life if not to have shared, ‘safe’, authentic, genuine experiences with others ?


Some will argue that we choose the families we are born into so that we can overcome or progress as a soul – So that we can grow into the full expression of who and what we are inherently meant to be by the experiences we have. That the challenges that we are faced with were already known to us before we came into existence and that it is a process of ‘unbecoming’ all that the external influence/s imprints into us from birth that will ultimately lead us back to self.


But what if we get stuck somewhere along the way and we are genuinely struggling to return to our authentic self, to get ourselves unstuck ? If we are aware that we are stuck, are we still stuck or is the mere awareness of our current state of fragmentation the beginning of us ‘pulling ourselves toward our true authentic selves’ to become a cohesive whole, full and wondrous being? Is it an unbecoming or a becoming?


Can you own the fact that you are struggling or are you too concerned with what others may or may not think … Think of the child who is so eager to please that they suppress all emotion deemed ‘not acceptable’ by their caregiver? This inherently gives the message to the child that ‘who I am right now is not accepted’ – enters false version of self. Now you can continue wearing this ‘false self’ throughout your life, but you will not be – well YOU. You will be who others tell you to be or become a version of self that you think will be more palatable to the masses … and you will be miserable. No amount of thing/person/place/circumstance is going to make that go away unless you shift your focus toward self … and start to intentionally communicate with the self whom you abandoned at one point.


Connection – What are good connections or bad connections in life …. I stumbled upon the word ‘safe’ connection the other day. What does that even mean? ‘Safe’ connection. Does that mean that you connect with individuals who praise you based on what you have accomplished or achieved during your course of your life and that you are well known because your status is accepted? Or does that mean that you can show up as yourself and still be accepted just as you are. Messy, yes. Flawed, yes … but unapologetically and authentically just you. How does your connections make you feel, that is the question you need to ask yourself? Does it make you feel calm … can you exhale a sigh of relief when connecting with others or are you holding your breath in anticipation perhaps even for a reason you genuinely can’t even explain?


Our connections should feel like coming home … They should feel safe. They should not demand anything from you except your presence and anything that comes with that should be a bonus not an expectation. They should encourage freedom to express/move/be change/grow/achieve/progress. Can you be ‘held’ by your connections in the moments when fear/struggle/life feels hard without making you feel like you are too much? – because you are not. You are in your authentic, genuine true version of ‘self’ exactly just right and there is no one individual on this earth like you.


SIDENOTE 1: ‘safe’ connections require you to show up as you are. It means that you will be accepted as a flawed, imperfect individual – in other words not perfect. ‘Safe’ connection/s means that you need to allow yourself to be ‘seen’ (your fears, past hurt, short comings - where you lack). It means complete transparency and openness. There should be no need for ‘barriers’ or ‘walls’ in a safe connection. It means complete trust that it is indeed safe. It requires one to trust in the concept that safety exists.


SIDENOTE 2: For us to be able to accept the fact that someone can accept us as we are (flaws, warts and all) deep introspection, honesty with self, forgiveness of every part of ourselves – i.e. love of every past version of us is necessary first.


SIDENOTE 3: Are you able to provide yourself with a sense of safety within without the assistance of others ? Can you be your own sense of safety ?


It would seem more questions than answers right now – but that is never a bad thing ;)



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