Connection to Self & Safety
Rambling Again ...
From the very first breath that we take we are helplessly at the mercy of others. Not even one of us excluded from this fate. Not a single soul on this earth asked to be here, yet here we are. All of us trying to do the best we can with the cards we were dealt and the decisions we made along the way and the consequences thereof. Often our hurt runs so deep that we crack open and bleed all over others and of that ownership needs to be taken, whether we were wronged or not.
We also now have this deep-rooted understanding that some individuals may never be able or capable of admitting that perhaps they too played or may be playing a part in how events ultimately unfold. And that there is nothing that will ever change that. Brokenness cannot hold space for brokenness and this ultimately leads to the demise of both. The saying goes – ‘It takes two to tango’ and ‘three is a crowd’ and at least I am certain of who I inherently am deep within when I stand alone. And I happily do so – wholly and fully as I get to know this new version of self :)
I have learned that people will judge and make assumptions without asking or enquiring. Nor do they necessarily see the truth for what it is... I know my truth – I know the truth; you know your version of the truth which has nothing to do with me as it gets filtered through your own lens. Wolves often come dressed in sheep’s clothing and will rather die than be held accountable for any wrongdoing. Again – not my responsibility. When wolves bare their teeth in an evil grimace and sneer in your face for calling out wrongdoing – any sympathy that you may have held onto by remembrance of ‘what was’ carries no weight any longer.
People become products of their environment and ultimately choose whether they want to remain that or learn and grow from that. I have learned that it takes a tremendous amount of courage to show up and to do so vulnerably. I am no longer living in fear, although the imprint of fear is still lingering in my body and my mind – that too shall fade with the proper care and self love. Nor shall I ever place myself in such a situation again. I am my own safety, truth and source of love – of that, I am sure. I am so proud of myself – I am more exhausted than I have ever been and healing is necessary, but mostly I know that love and truth covers all.
It takes courage to stand firm in truth and vulnerability and I will keep showing up in all my flawed, messy imperfection – However I will never stay quiet to keep the peace, ever again. Make myself small to make others comfortable, nope. Not me. If me showing up authentically makes some uncomfortable it is not my problem - assume what you will and perhaps add a little extra for decoration.
‘ Be the beautiful, cosmic, messy, brilliance that you are and heal as loudly as you need to, to be ok ‘ (me) & be reminded that we are ALL trying the best we can with the cards we were dealt.
‘Understand that healing and growing can distance you from people who you once had a bond with, and it can also bring you closer to those who will heal and grow with you. The time in between can be difficult, but there is so much to learn in solitude while you are finding your safe connections in your life ’
You may call me "mad" (lack of a better word) for dreaming of a life I wholeheartedly deserve - I call it self love and the path to freedom.