Slightly "of-topic" guided Rambling
Rambling again … and a bit of an “of-the-topic” rambling at that.
Compared to what has been shared earlier this is more of a guided rambling, if you will. So here goes, Where I am… Based on reflections from questions posted on a conversational thread.
Q1: What does it feel like to be invisible ?
This had me thinking for quite some time, but I couldn’t really come up with a feeling attached to this at all. Perhaps I am in a lifelong cycle of denial (GASP ! Aren’t we all in denial about something ) but, honestly in my opinion one can only feel invisible if you have ever truly been visible to another - heart and soul and mind – transparent…. For who you truly are. I know that there is within us the DESIRE/LONGING to have all those things from others, but I have never truly felt that I have fully been able to express myself in such a way that someone was able to “get me” in order for an authentic connection to take place so that I can be seen. Subsequently I have for the majority of my life navigated in a state of invisibility, or as past versions of me moulded myself into a “better fit”. If any feeling should be attached to this it should be “familiarity”, although this is not a feeling but rather a “sense”. Invisibility is a sense of familiarity. And thus not new at all.
Some may argue that this makes me apathetic to connection – on the contrary I would argue it as being exactly the opposite . I long for and desire authentic connection just as the next. But what I deem authentic connection and what another might deem authentic connection may vastly differ. What I refuse to do any longer is make excuses for the fact that I value silence, and that silence does not necessarily mean that I have nothing to talk about. That if you should start a conversation with me about the depth of hurt, or longing, or anger, sadness or frustration or the multitude of unimaginable wrongs that are inflicted upon human beings by people who claim to love them … I will most probably not stop talking. I can talk for hours about the different hues and tones that one can find on any given day when I look up at the sky or how I genuinely feel your hurt with you, because I do. Feel your hurt. And I long to hold space for just that. Nor will I make excuses for the fact that I don’t need to connect with others as much… I find enormous value in MOMENTS of solitude and silence and these moments may vary in length depending on what it is that I am navigating emotionally at any given time. I see me – fully, and finally that to me is more than enough.
Q2: Where does something that doesn’t happen reside in your body ?
Exposed, stripped naked and bare. Spiral staircase leading to a fragile human centre harbouring dreams and ideals of a world where giving takes precedence to taking. Where love and living is fuelled by the desire to see INTO the other- We are feeling, emotion …. among other things, are we not ? One of the biggest gifts given to us, but also our greatest weakness. Serving the purpose of whispering words of wisdom into our being - what a clever little inner guidance system we come with. Served to guide and assist though, mind – NOT RULE. Such a delicate balance of connection with self and how we reflect that which we stand for out into the world. Providing us with the means to do so boldly, and unashamedly. (This is new to me, and it has both liberated as well as cost me – I harbour no regret as a result of my new found, fire-filled assertiveness). Where does something not happening reside … You make space for it within you, for what is genuinely there cannot be taken away.
Q3: Show me the vacancy that you have become so intimate with that you forget it was there ?
Giving takes precedence to taking. You cannot forget something that you have made space for within, it travels with you as you journey through life as what has already been given cannot be taken away.
This whole reflection made me realise something remarkable and I am so very grateful for having had the opportunity to reflect on these question. For the longest time in my life I thought that my way of thinking and feeling about things, the world, people, situations was somehow wrong. It’s not. I am me, I see me. And the me I see is beautiful.